I found this recently on Derek's computer. He was writting quotes he liked to put on a webpage he was working on. Even thought he never got a chance to finish it, I thought I would share all of what he had written so far. To all of his friends, in Derek's memory.
Love you all, Derek's mom 4 ever!
Dereks next home page quotes. My mind-My dominion.
A Dog's Opinion...Remember dog is god spelled backwards!
ERIC CLAPTON 1968 - Part 1 Heavy Cream A worried looking lot!
There comes a time in every high schooler's life when they reach a certain point..not their sexual peak, but their knowledge
Don't pee on my leg and say it's raining.
Quotes You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe. -Ranger Marcus Cole, Babylon 5
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' " -- Jerry Seinfeld "Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" --Lily Tomlin "She is a glorified 1950s high school cheerleader with an undertone of perverse 1990s sexuality . . . Lolita on aerobics." -- Feminist author CAMILLE PAGLIA to PEOPLE, on the subject of its cover girl, Britney Spears, 18. Quotes on Critics A critic is a man who knows the way, but can't drive the car. -- Kenneth Tynan Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. -- Samuel Johnson Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. -- Christopher Hampton/John Osborne I have never found in a long career of politics that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance. -- Harold Macmillan "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown There is more at stake then our lives. -Col. Travis, Alamo pep talk What if they gave a war and only one side came? -Lucifer
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
-- Jake Johansen Life is a series of rude awakenings. -R.V. Winkle Careful planning is the key to safe and swift travel. -Ulysses In times of crisis, it is of utmost importance not to lose ones head. -M. Antoinette If I didnt have to stay, Id leave. -Shakespeare Anyone who uses the phrase Easy as taking candy from a baby. Has never tried to take candy from a baby. -R. Hood Thats funny, I never have any trouble with service when Im shopping -K. Kong If you cant dazzle them with brilliance, Baffle them with bullshit. -Prof. H. Hill If you cant win fair, just win. -U.S Grantrant Winning isnt the most important thing; Its the only thing. -J. Caesar Theres something to be said for relatives . . . It has to be said because its unprintable. -A. Einstein When things are blackest, I just tell myself Cheer up, things could be worse! And sure enough, they get worse! -Skeeve The only thing worse than a sorcerer, is a sorcerers apprentice -M. Mouse Good information is hard to get. Doing anything with it is even harder l -L. Skywalker Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will chose you. -Y. Arafat Im making this up as I go along. -I. Jones The best laid plans often go fowl. -Wile E Coyote Figure the last thing you would expect the enemy to do, then count on him doing precisely that. -Richelieu The difference between an inside straight and a blamed fool is calling the last bet. -B. Maverick Kids? Who said anything about kids? -Conan Im doing this for your own good. -Any establishment executioner or Any parent Bring the whole family . . . but leave the kids at home. -R. McDonald So what else is new. -W. Cronkite For the right person, the impossible is easy. -Dumbo Nice jail. Looks strong. -H. Houdini Relax Julie. Everyone will understand. -Romeo Theres no accounting for taste. -Colonel Sanders I am not a fast writer, I am not a slow writer, I am a half fast writer. -R, L Asprin What am I doing here? -Any recruit, Any army Boards dont hit back. -B. Lee It takes one to know one. -Jack D. Ripper money is the root of all evil. women need roots d trump blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall take flack from both sides unofficial un motto its so easy, a child could do it the legal disclaimer found on the instruction sheet of any assemble It yoursaelf kit meanwhile, back in reality . . . g lucas The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right Jill Ruckleshaus It is not true that life is one damn thing after another - its one damn thing over and over Edna St. Vincent Millay When money talks few are deaf charlie chan When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that Im old I know it is Oscar Wilde Be a Smartass or a Dumbass, but dont be Half-assed. -Lizziebutt So, What do you think of having a moment of silence in school? We have one of those every day, Every time the teacher asks a question! -Luanne you cant pray a lie -huck finn I keep six honest serving men (They taught me all I knew); Their names are What and Why and When and How and Where and Who. -Rudyard Kipling maturity isnt how you act but how you react -from the great book of hyung lee All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his. Oscar Wilde "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -- Bob Ettinger "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." --Ellen DeGeneres "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." --Jim Carrey "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" -- Warren Hutcherson "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" --Marilyn Pittman "When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" --Robin Williams "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " --Richard Jeni
It's unnatural for people to run around city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog out after him. -- Mike Royko To crawl on all fours. "And don't come scriding back to me, buster!" coloring.com/demo/choose.cdc
It's difficult to see why lace should be so expensive; it is mostly holes.
-- Mary Wilson Little
There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts.
-- Charles Dickens
Man prefers to believe what he prefers to be true.
Fancis Bacon
Man freely believe that which they desire.
-- Julius Caesar
To believe is very dull. To doubt is intensely engrossing.
-- Oscar Wilde
What men really want is not knowledge, but certainty.
-- Bertrand Russell
Everybody should believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
-- Robert Benchly I have no desire to express anything by dancing. I have never used it as an outlet or as a means of expressing myself. I just dance. -- Fred Astaire "When You're Six Tons - And They Call You Killer - It's Hard to Make Friends" -- Ad for Namu, the Killer Whale, 1966
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
-- Woody Allen
Atheism is too theological.
-- G. K. Chesterton
An atheist is a man who watches a Norte Dame-Southern Methodist University game and doesn't care who wins.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Nobody talks so constantly about God as those who insist that there is no God.
-- Heywood Broun
Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
-- Ambrose Bierce
A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.
-- Ludwig Wittgenstein
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
-- Ambrose Bierce
We sometimes imagine we hate flattery, but we only hate the way we are flattered.
-- Francois de la Rochefoucauld
What really flatters a man is that you think him worth flattering.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Flattery is all right if you don't inhale.
-- Adlai E. Stevenson
Flattery will get you everywhere.
-- Mae West
Jay Leno:You know I was sitting at home the other day and I got a knock at the door and there was this gang. They had the colors flashing and the bandanas, man they made me buy 15 boxes of those Girl Scout cookies.
Most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do.
-- James Harvey Robinson
If you follow reason far enough it always leads to conclusions that are contrary to reason.
-- Samuel Butler
I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.
-- Oscar Wilde
"Television is the first truly democratic culture -- the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The terrifying thing is what the people want."
-- Clive Barnes
Reality is for people who can't face drugs.
-- Laurence J. Peter
Realism is simply romanticism that has lost its reason. -- G. K. Chesterton
The dignity of man lies in his ability to face reality in all its senselessness.
-- Martin Esslin
The only force I fear more than human irrationality is irrationality armed with passion.
-- Leo Rosten
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
-- Ambrose Bierce
No wife can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
-- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
The best throw with the dice is to throw them away.
-- Anonymous
The urge to gamble is so universal, and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil.
-- Heywood Broun
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
-- Logan Pearsall Smith
If we were not all so excessively interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it.
-- Arthur Schopenhauer
The three most important events of human life are equally devoid of reason: birth, marriage, and death.
-- Austin O'Malley
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. -- Mark Twain
A man should go on living -- if only to satisfy his curiosity.
-- Anonymous
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
-- Carl Sagan
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.
-- Albert Einstein
The scientific theory I like the best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.
-- Max Born
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
-- Oscar Wilde
Modesty died when clothes were born.
-- Mark Twain
Before a man speaks, it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it.
-- Oscar Wilde
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
-- Eric Hoffer
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.
-- Socrates
In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play.
-- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
Children have more need of models than critics.
-- Joseph Joubert
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
-- Robert Orben
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The death rate is the same everywhere - 100 percent - if you wait long enough.
-- Leo Rosten
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts - support rather than illumination.
-- Andrew Lang
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-- Fletcher Knebel
Statisticians are men who know that if you put a man's head in a sauna and his feet in a deep freeze, he will feel pretty good - on the average.
-- Anonymous
Anyone who is happy all the time is nuts.
-- Leo Rosten
Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
-- George Burns
Happiness is good health plus a bad memory.
-- Ingrid Bergman
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-- George Burns
Happiness: A good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.
-- Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Success is getting what you want, and happiness is wanting what you get.
-- Dave Gardner
The secret of success is this: there is no secret of success.
-- Elbert Hubbard
The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.
-- Irving Berlin
It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.
-- Gore Vidal
Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
Books are the blessed chloroform of the mind.
-- Robert W. Chambers
From the moment I picked up your book, until the moment I put it down, I could not stop laughing. Someday, I hope to read it.
-- Groucho Marx, in a letter to Leo Rosten
A best-seller book is a book which somehow sold well simply because it was selling well.
-- Daniel J. Boorstin
Books are fatal; they are the curse of the human race. Nine-tenths of existing books are nonsense, and the clever books are the refutation of that nonsense.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
The man who doesn't read books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
-- Mark Twain
My philosophical studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years.
-- Mark Twain
Preposition: An enormously versatile part of grammar, as in "What made you choose this book I didn't want to be read to out of up for?"
-- Winston Churchill
The word "good" has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should callm him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.
-- G. K. Chesterton
Dying while you are young is a great boon in your old age.
-- Sebastian Trabish
I've never known a person who lives to 110 who is remarkable for anything else.
-- Josh Billings
The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good.
-- John Barrymore
Old Age: That point in life where your wife tells you to pull in your stomach - and you already have.
-- Anonymous
The three ages of man: youth, middle age, and "You're looking wonderful!"
-- Dore Schary
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
-- Bob Hope
Vice is such a hideous creature, that the more you see of it the better you like it.
-- Finley Peter Dunne
Folks who have no vices have plaguey few virtues.
-- Abraham Lincoln
To a philosophic eye, the vices of the clergy are far less dangerous than their virtues.
-- Edward Gibbon
When our vices leave us, we flatter ourselves that we are leaving them.
-- Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Those who hate vice, hate mankind.
-- Pliny the Younger
His was the sort of career that made the Recording Angel think seriously about taking up shorthand.
-- Nicolas Bentley
Virtue is insufficient temptation.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Be good and you will be lonesome.
-- Mark Twain
Virtue is more to be feared than vice, because its excesses are not subject to the restraints of conscience.
-- Albert J. Nock
There is an imperialism in virtue that compels us to acquiesce to those who exploit it. For each of us is a slave to guilt, and acts out lifelong expiation -- however disguised, however symbolic.
-- Leo Rosten
Virtue has never been as respectable as money.
-- Mark Twain
On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.
-- George Orwell
Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.
-- Benjamin Franklin
The rich aren't like us; they pay less taxes.
-- Peter de Vries
There is no stronger craving in the world than that of the rich for titles, except that of the titled for riches.
-- Hesketh Pearson
It is the wretchedness of being rich that you have to live with rich people.
-- Logan Pearsall Smith
What is the matter with the poor is poverty; what is the matter with the rich is uselessness.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Wealthy students often act as if ashamed of their wealth. I have sometimes been tempted to point out that the rich are a minority, and have rights, too.
-- Sydney Hook
The rich man and his daughter are soon parted.
-- Kin Hubbard
When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before.
-- Mae West
Evil is sweet in the beginning but bitter in the end.
-- Talmud
It is a sin to believe in the evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
-- H. L. Mencken
I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest.
-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the evil spirit of man.
-- Albert Einstein
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
-- Gittel Hudnick
Money, which represents the prose of life, and which is hardly spoken of in parlors without an apology, is, in its effects and laws, as beautiful as roses.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Money-getters are the benefactors of our race. To themare we indebted for our institutions of learning, and of art, our academies, colleges and churches.
-- P. T. Barnum
His money is twice tainted: 'Tain't yours and 'tain't mine.
-- Mark Twain
A fool and her money are soon courted.
-- Helen Rowland
When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is.
-- Oscar Wilde
The real tragedy of the poor is that they can afford nothing but self-denial.
-- Oscar Wilde
I am a poor man, but I have this consolation: I am poor by accident, not by design.
-- Josh Billings
Poverty, of course, is no disgrace, but it is d--nmed annoying.
-- William Pitt
A decent provision for the poor is the true test of civilization.
-- Samuel Johnson
I've never been poor, only broke. Being poor is a frame of mind. Being broke is only a temporary situation.
-- Mike Todd
As much as the living are to the dead.
-- Aristotle, asked how much educated men were superior to those uneducated.
Education: The inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent.
-- John Maynard Keynes
When you educate a man you educate an individual; when you educate a woman you educate a whole family.
-- Robert M. MacIver
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
-- Derek Bok
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-- Mark Twain
hen in doubt, wear red.
-- Bill Blass
Women's styles may change, but their designs remain the same.
-- Oscar Wilde
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
-- Christopher Morley
Fashion is something barbarous, for it produces innovation without reason and imitation without benefit.
-- George Santayana
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
-- Oscar Wilde
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
-- Fred Allen
Men who are not interested in women are interested in women's clothes; men who like women will never notice what they wear.
-- Anatole France
Hollywood is a community of people who work and live in fantasy. It is to be expected that their life should take on the attributes of the fantastic.
-- Leo Rosten
As in all times, the incomes of leading actors are very highand the morals are what might be expected of men moving from place to place, fluctuating between luxury and poverty, and too high-strung to be capable of a stable and normal lifeThe lived with characteristic superiority to the morals of their time.
-- Will Durant
Moviemakers are prone to depression when they are alone; hence they do not like to be alone. Anxiety, like misery, loves company.
-- Leo Rosten
Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won't make house calls.
-- Woody Allen
Hollywood is a great place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
-- Fred Allen
The people are to be taken in very small doses.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Even though counting heads is not an ideal way to govern, at least it is better than breaking them.
-- Learned Hand
Democracy becomes the government of bullies tempered by editors.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted in office.
-- David Broder
Television is democracy at its ugliest.
-- Paddy Chayevsky
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
-- Elbert Hubbard
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
-- Mark Twain
My wallpaper is killing me. One of us may go.
-- Oscar Wilde (As he lay dying in a hotel in Paris)
I wonder where all the BAD people are buried.
-- Charles Lamb, Age Nine, after wandering through a graveyard.
Death: a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
-- J.J. Furnas
Coward: One who in a perilous emergence thinks with his legs.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Cemetery: An isolated spot, usually in a suburb, where mourners swap lies.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Gentleman: One who never strikes a woman without provocation.
-- H. L. Mencken
Patience: A minor form of despair, disused as a virtue.
-- Ambrose Bierce A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Hero: A man who is afraid to run away. -- English Proverb Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on. -- Budd Schulberg Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. -- H. L. Mencken The conscience is the part of the personality that dissolves in alcohol. -- Harold D. Lasswell Politeness: fictitious benevolence. -- Samuel Johnson Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. -- Mark Twain Positive: Being mistaken at the top of one's voice. -- Ambrose Bierce Cheese: Milk's leap toward immortality -- Clifton Fadiman Camel: A horse that was designed by committee. -- Anonymous Home: The place where you can scratch anyplace you itch. -- Anonymous Egotist: One more interested in himself -- than in me. -- Ambrose Bierce Centimeter: A parking meter that takes pennies. -- Leo Rosten Savage Nation: One that doesn't wear uncomfortable clothes. -- Mr. Dooley Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. -- H.L. Mencken Experience is only half of experience. -- Goethe The cat, having sat on a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. But he won't sit upon a cold stove lid, either. -- Mark Twain Experience increases our wisdom but doesn't reduce our follies. -- Josh Billings Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. -- Aldous Huxley Experience is the comb that nature gives us when we are bald. -- Russian proverb
The head never rules the heart, but just becomes its partner in crime.
--Mignon McLaughlin
Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy."
--Henry Kissinger
"Brad Pitt's hair, Tom Cruise's smile, George Clooney's body and Bill Gates' wallet."
-- MISS PIGGY, telling Marie Claire magazine about her composite fantasy man.
"Shut your mouth, close your lips, and say something."
--Pai-Chang
"One who changes diapers."
-- Supermodel (and recent mom) CINDY CRAWFORD, on what makes a great man, at Thursday night's GQ "Men of Year" ceremony.
"Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn."
--Charlie Parker
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.
Nora Ephron - writing and directing
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
--Pablo Picasso
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
--Jack Handey "Deep Thoughts"
"The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught."
--Vauvenargues
"If you try to aim for it, you are turning away from it."
--Zen Saying
"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so."
--William Shakespeare
"Hear the truth, believe it, practice it."
--Zen Saying
"The more you know the less you understand."
--Tao Te Ching
"What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."
-Anon
I don't want to live, I want to love first and live incidentally.
--Zelda Fitzgerald
Television: a medium. So called because it is neither rare or well done.
-- Ernie Kovacs
Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.
-- Red Skelton
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
-- Groucho Marx
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-- H. L. Mencken
Men will wrangle for religion; write for it; fight for it; die for it; anything but live for it.
-- Charles Caleb Colton
We have just enough religion to make us hate but not enough to make us love one another.
-- Jonathan Swift
There is always an easy solution to every human problem --simple, plausible, and wrong.
-- H. L. Mencken
I said to my mother-in-law last year, "My house is your house." The next day, she sold it.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
-- Henny Youngman
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
-- Fred Allen
Men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums.
-- G. K. Chesterton
Every ten seconds there is a woman giving birth to a child on this planet. She must be found and stopped!
-- Sam Levenson
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
-- Mae West
When a young man marries, he divorces his mother.
-- Talmud
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-- Voltaire.
A happy marriage is a long conversation that seems all too short.
-- Andre Maurois
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
-- John F. Kennedy
If I were running the world, I would only have it rain between two and five A.M. Anyone who was out then deserves to get wet.
-- William Lyon Phelps
As a nation we are dedicated to keeping physically fit -- and parking as close to the stadium as possible.
-- Bill Vaughn
The one thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax.
-- Thomas Robert Dewar Men are moved by only two things: fear and self-interest. -- Napoleon Bonaparte It is better to be frightened now than killed hereafter. -- Winston Churchill Hope is ambiguous, but fear is precise. -- Leo Rosten Early and provident fear is the mother of safety. -- Edmund Burke I came to believe it not true that "the coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave man only one." I think it is the other way around: It is the brave who die a thousand deaths. For it is imagination, and not just conscience, which doth make cowards of us all. Those who do not know fear are not truly brave. -- Leo Rosten We're afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Love you all, Derek's mom 4 ever!
Dereks next home page quotes. My mind-My dominion.
A Dog's Opinion...Remember dog is god spelled backwards!
ERIC CLAPTON 1968 - Part 1 Heavy Cream A worried looking lot!
There comes a time in every high schooler's life when they reach a certain point..not their sexual peak, but their knowledge
Don't pee on my leg and say it's raining.
Quotes You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe. -Ranger Marcus Cole, Babylon 5
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' " -- Jerry Seinfeld "Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" --Lily Tomlin "She is a glorified 1950s high school cheerleader with an undertone of perverse 1990s sexuality . . . Lolita on aerobics." -- Feminist author CAMILLE PAGLIA to PEOPLE, on the subject of its cover girl, Britney Spears, 18. Quotes on Critics A critic is a man who knows the way, but can't drive the car. -- Kenneth Tynan Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. -- Samuel Johnson Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. -- Christopher Hampton/John Osborne I have never found in a long career of politics that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance. -- Harold Macmillan "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown There is more at stake then our lives. -Col. Travis, Alamo pep talk What if they gave a war and only one side came? -Lucifer
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
-- Jake Johansen Life is a series of rude awakenings. -R.V. Winkle Careful planning is the key to safe and swift travel. -Ulysses In times of crisis, it is of utmost importance not to lose ones head. -M. Antoinette If I didnt have to stay, Id leave. -Shakespeare Anyone who uses the phrase Easy as taking candy from a baby. Has never tried to take candy from a baby. -R. Hood Thats funny, I never have any trouble with service when Im shopping -K. Kong If you cant dazzle them with brilliance, Baffle them with bullshit. -Prof. H. Hill If you cant win fair, just win. -U.S Grantrant Winning isnt the most important thing; Its the only thing. -J. Caesar Theres something to be said for relatives . . . It has to be said because its unprintable. -A. Einstein When things are blackest, I just tell myself Cheer up, things could be worse! And sure enough, they get worse! -Skeeve The only thing worse than a sorcerer, is a sorcerers apprentice -M. Mouse Good information is hard to get. Doing anything with it is even harder l -L. Skywalker Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will chose you. -Y. Arafat Im making this up as I go along. -I. Jones The best laid plans often go fowl. -Wile E Coyote Figure the last thing you would expect the enemy to do, then count on him doing precisely that. -Richelieu The difference between an inside straight and a blamed fool is calling the last bet. -B. Maverick Kids? Who said anything about kids? -Conan Im doing this for your own good. -Any establishment executioner or Any parent Bring the whole family . . . but leave the kids at home. -R. McDonald So what else is new. -W. Cronkite For the right person, the impossible is easy. -Dumbo Nice jail. Looks strong. -H. Houdini Relax Julie. Everyone will understand. -Romeo Theres no accounting for taste. -Colonel Sanders I am not a fast writer, I am not a slow writer, I am a half fast writer. -R, L Asprin What am I doing here? -Any recruit, Any army Boards dont hit back. -B. Lee It takes one to know one. -Jack D. Ripper money is the root of all evil. women need roots d trump blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall take flack from both sides unofficial un motto its so easy, a child could do it the legal disclaimer found on the instruction sheet of any assemble It yoursaelf kit meanwhile, back in reality . . . g lucas The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right Jill Ruckleshaus It is not true that life is one damn thing after another - its one damn thing over and over Edna St. Vincent Millay When money talks few are deaf charlie chan When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that Im old I know it is Oscar Wilde Be a Smartass or a Dumbass, but dont be Half-assed. -Lizziebutt So, What do you think of having a moment of silence in school? We have one of those every day, Every time the teacher asks a question! -Luanne you cant pray a lie -huck finn I keep six honest serving men (They taught me all I knew); Their names are What and Why and When and How and Where and Who. -Rudyard Kipling maturity isnt how you act but how you react -from the great book of hyung lee All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his. Oscar Wilde "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -- Bob Ettinger "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." --Ellen DeGeneres "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." --Jim Carrey "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" -- Warren Hutcherson "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" --Marilyn Pittman "When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" --Robin Williams "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " --Richard Jeni
It's unnatural for people to run around city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog out after him. -- Mike Royko To crawl on all fours. "And don't come scriding back to me, buster!" coloring.com/demo/choose.cdc
It's difficult to see why lace should be so expensive; it is mostly holes.
-- Mary Wilson Little
There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts.
-- Charles Dickens
Man prefers to believe what he prefers to be true.
Fancis Bacon
Man freely believe that which they desire.
-- Julius Caesar
To believe is very dull. To doubt is intensely engrossing.
-- Oscar Wilde
What men really want is not knowledge, but certainty.
-- Bertrand Russell
Everybody should believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
-- Robert Benchly I have no desire to express anything by dancing. I have never used it as an outlet or as a means of expressing myself. I just dance. -- Fred Astaire "When You're Six Tons - And They Call You Killer - It's Hard to Make Friends" -- Ad for Namu, the Killer Whale, 1966
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
-- Woody Allen
Atheism is too theological.
-- G. K. Chesterton
An atheist is a man who watches a Norte Dame-Southern Methodist University game and doesn't care who wins.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Nobody talks so constantly about God as those who insist that there is no God.
-- Heywood Broun
Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
-- Ambrose Bierce
A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.
-- Ludwig Wittgenstein
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
-- Ambrose Bierce
We sometimes imagine we hate flattery, but we only hate the way we are flattered.
-- Francois de la Rochefoucauld
What really flatters a man is that you think him worth flattering.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Flattery is all right if you don't inhale.
-- Adlai E. Stevenson
Flattery will get you everywhere.
-- Mae West
Jay Leno:You know I was sitting at home the other day and I got a knock at the door and there was this gang. They had the colors flashing and the bandanas, man they made me buy 15 boxes of those Girl Scout cookies.
Most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do.
-- James Harvey Robinson
If you follow reason far enough it always leads to conclusions that are contrary to reason.
-- Samuel Butler
I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.
-- Oscar Wilde
"Television is the first truly democratic culture -- the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The terrifying thing is what the people want."
-- Clive Barnes
Reality is for people who can't face drugs.
-- Laurence J. Peter
Realism is simply romanticism that has lost its reason. -- G. K. Chesterton
The dignity of man lies in his ability to face reality in all its senselessness.
-- Martin Esslin
The only force I fear more than human irrationality is irrationality armed with passion.
-- Leo Rosten
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
-- Ambrose Bierce
No wife can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
-- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
The best throw with the dice is to throw them away.
-- Anonymous
The urge to gamble is so universal, and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil.
-- Heywood Broun
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
-- Logan Pearsall Smith
If we were not all so excessively interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it.
-- Arthur Schopenhauer
The three most important events of human life are equally devoid of reason: birth, marriage, and death.
-- Austin O'Malley
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. -- Mark Twain
A man should go on living -- if only to satisfy his curiosity.
-- Anonymous
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
-- Carl Sagan
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.
-- Albert Einstein
The scientific theory I like the best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.
-- Max Born
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
-- Oscar Wilde
Modesty died when clothes were born.
-- Mark Twain
Before a man speaks, it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it.
-- Oscar Wilde
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
-- Eric Hoffer
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.
-- Socrates
In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play.
-- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
Children have more need of models than critics.
-- Joseph Joubert
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
-- Robert Orben
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The death rate is the same everywhere - 100 percent - if you wait long enough.
-- Leo Rosten
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts - support rather than illumination.
-- Andrew Lang
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-- Fletcher Knebel
Statisticians are men who know that if you put a man's head in a sauna and his feet in a deep freeze, he will feel pretty good - on the average.
-- Anonymous
Anyone who is happy all the time is nuts.
-- Leo Rosten
Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
-- George Burns
Happiness is good health plus a bad memory.
-- Ingrid Bergman
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-- George Burns
Happiness: A good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.
-- Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Success is getting what you want, and happiness is wanting what you get.
-- Dave Gardner
The secret of success is this: there is no secret of success.
-- Elbert Hubbard
The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.
-- Irving Berlin
It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.
-- Gore Vidal
Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
Books are the blessed chloroform of the mind.
-- Robert W. Chambers
From the moment I picked up your book, until the moment I put it down, I could not stop laughing. Someday, I hope to read it.
-- Groucho Marx, in a letter to Leo Rosten
A best-seller book is a book which somehow sold well simply because it was selling well.
-- Daniel J. Boorstin
Books are fatal; they are the curse of the human race. Nine-tenths of existing books are nonsense, and the clever books are the refutation of that nonsense.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
The man who doesn't read books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
-- Mark Twain
My philosophical studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years.
-- Mark Twain
Preposition: An enormously versatile part of grammar, as in "What made you choose this book I didn't want to be read to out of up for?"
-- Winston Churchill
The word "good" has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should callm him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.
-- G. K. Chesterton
Dying while you are young is a great boon in your old age.
-- Sebastian Trabish
I've never known a person who lives to 110 who is remarkable for anything else.
-- Josh Billings
The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good.
-- John Barrymore
Old Age: That point in life where your wife tells you to pull in your stomach - and you already have.
-- Anonymous
The three ages of man: youth, middle age, and "You're looking wonderful!"
-- Dore Schary
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
-- Bob Hope
Vice is such a hideous creature, that the more you see of it the better you like it.
-- Finley Peter Dunne
Folks who have no vices have plaguey few virtues.
-- Abraham Lincoln
To a philosophic eye, the vices of the clergy are far less dangerous than their virtues.
-- Edward Gibbon
When our vices leave us, we flatter ourselves that we are leaving them.
-- Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Those who hate vice, hate mankind.
-- Pliny the Younger
His was the sort of career that made the Recording Angel think seriously about taking up shorthand.
-- Nicolas Bentley
Virtue is insufficient temptation.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Be good and you will be lonesome.
-- Mark Twain
Virtue is more to be feared than vice, because its excesses are not subject to the restraints of conscience.
-- Albert J. Nock
There is an imperialism in virtue that compels us to acquiesce to those who exploit it. For each of us is a slave to guilt, and acts out lifelong expiation -- however disguised, however symbolic.
-- Leo Rosten
Virtue has never been as respectable as money.
-- Mark Twain
On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.
-- George Orwell
Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.
-- Benjamin Franklin
The rich aren't like us; they pay less taxes.
-- Peter de Vries
There is no stronger craving in the world than that of the rich for titles, except that of the titled for riches.
-- Hesketh Pearson
It is the wretchedness of being rich that you have to live with rich people.
-- Logan Pearsall Smith
What is the matter with the poor is poverty; what is the matter with the rich is uselessness.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Wealthy students often act as if ashamed of their wealth. I have sometimes been tempted to point out that the rich are a minority, and have rights, too.
-- Sydney Hook
The rich man and his daughter are soon parted.
-- Kin Hubbard
When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before.
-- Mae West
Evil is sweet in the beginning but bitter in the end.
-- Talmud
It is a sin to believe in the evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
-- H. L. Mencken
I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest.
-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the evil spirit of man.
-- Albert Einstein
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
-- Gittel Hudnick
Money, which represents the prose of life, and which is hardly spoken of in parlors without an apology, is, in its effects and laws, as beautiful as roses.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Money-getters are the benefactors of our race. To themare we indebted for our institutions of learning, and of art, our academies, colleges and churches.
-- P. T. Barnum
His money is twice tainted: 'Tain't yours and 'tain't mine.
-- Mark Twain
A fool and her money are soon courted.
-- Helen Rowland
When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is.
-- Oscar Wilde
The real tragedy of the poor is that they can afford nothing but self-denial.
-- Oscar Wilde
I am a poor man, but I have this consolation: I am poor by accident, not by design.
-- Josh Billings
Poverty, of course, is no disgrace, but it is d--nmed annoying.
-- William Pitt
A decent provision for the poor is the true test of civilization.
-- Samuel Johnson
I've never been poor, only broke. Being poor is a frame of mind. Being broke is only a temporary situation.
-- Mike Todd
As much as the living are to the dead.
-- Aristotle, asked how much educated men were superior to those uneducated.
Education: The inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent.
-- John Maynard Keynes
When you educate a man you educate an individual; when you educate a woman you educate a whole family.
-- Robert M. MacIver
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
-- Derek Bok
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-- Mark Twain
hen in doubt, wear red.
-- Bill Blass
Women's styles may change, but their designs remain the same.
-- Oscar Wilde
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
-- Christopher Morley
Fashion is something barbarous, for it produces innovation without reason and imitation without benefit.
-- George Santayana
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
-- Oscar Wilde
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
-- Fred Allen
Men who are not interested in women are interested in women's clothes; men who like women will never notice what they wear.
-- Anatole France
Hollywood is a community of people who work and live in fantasy. It is to be expected that their life should take on the attributes of the fantastic.
-- Leo Rosten
As in all times, the incomes of leading actors are very highand the morals are what might be expected of men moving from place to place, fluctuating between luxury and poverty, and too high-strung to be capable of a stable and normal lifeThe lived with characteristic superiority to the morals of their time.
-- Will Durant
Moviemakers are prone to depression when they are alone; hence they do not like to be alone. Anxiety, like misery, loves company.
-- Leo Rosten
Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won't make house calls.
-- Woody Allen
Hollywood is a great place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
-- Fred Allen
The people are to be taken in very small doses.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Even though counting heads is not an ideal way to govern, at least it is better than breaking them.
-- Learned Hand
Democracy becomes the government of bullies tempered by editors.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted in office.
-- David Broder
Television is democracy at its ugliest.
-- Paddy Chayevsky
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
-- Elbert Hubbard
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
-- Mark Twain
My wallpaper is killing me. One of us may go.
-- Oscar Wilde (As he lay dying in a hotel in Paris)
I wonder where all the BAD people are buried.
-- Charles Lamb, Age Nine, after wandering through a graveyard.
Death: a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
-- J.J. Furnas
Coward: One who in a perilous emergence thinks with his legs.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Cemetery: An isolated spot, usually in a suburb, where mourners swap lies.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Gentleman: One who never strikes a woman without provocation.
-- H. L. Mencken
Patience: A minor form of despair, disused as a virtue.
-- Ambrose Bierce A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Hero: A man who is afraid to run away. -- English Proverb Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on. -- Budd Schulberg Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. -- H. L. Mencken The conscience is the part of the personality that dissolves in alcohol. -- Harold D. Lasswell Politeness: fictitious benevolence. -- Samuel Johnson Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. -- Mark Twain Positive: Being mistaken at the top of one's voice. -- Ambrose Bierce Cheese: Milk's leap toward immortality -- Clifton Fadiman Camel: A horse that was designed by committee. -- Anonymous Home: The place where you can scratch anyplace you itch. -- Anonymous Egotist: One more interested in himself -- than in me. -- Ambrose Bierce Centimeter: A parking meter that takes pennies. -- Leo Rosten Savage Nation: One that doesn't wear uncomfortable clothes. -- Mr. Dooley Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. -- H.L. Mencken Experience is only half of experience. -- Goethe The cat, having sat on a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. But he won't sit upon a cold stove lid, either. -- Mark Twain Experience increases our wisdom but doesn't reduce our follies. -- Josh Billings Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. -- Aldous Huxley Experience is the comb that nature gives us when we are bald. -- Russian proverb
The head never rules the heart, but just becomes its partner in crime.
--Mignon McLaughlin
Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy."
--Henry Kissinger
"Brad Pitt's hair, Tom Cruise's smile, George Clooney's body and Bill Gates' wallet."
-- MISS PIGGY, telling Marie Claire magazine about her composite fantasy man.
"Shut your mouth, close your lips, and say something."
--Pai-Chang
"One who changes diapers."
-- Supermodel (and recent mom) CINDY CRAWFORD, on what makes a great man, at Thursday night's GQ "Men of Year" ceremony.
"Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn."
--Charlie Parker
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.
Nora Ephron - writing and directing
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
--Pablo Picasso
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
--Jack Handey "Deep Thoughts"
"The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught."
--Vauvenargues
"If you try to aim for it, you are turning away from it."
--Zen Saying
"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so."
--William Shakespeare
"Hear the truth, believe it, practice it."
--Zen Saying
"The more you know the less you understand."
--Tao Te Ching
"What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."
-Anon
I don't want to live, I want to love first and live incidentally.
--Zelda Fitzgerald
Television: a medium. So called because it is neither rare or well done.
-- Ernie Kovacs
Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.
-- Red Skelton
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
-- Groucho Marx
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-- H. L. Mencken
Men will wrangle for religion; write for it; fight for it; die for it; anything but live for it.
-- Charles Caleb Colton
We have just enough religion to make us hate but not enough to make us love one another.
-- Jonathan Swift
There is always an easy solution to every human problem --simple, plausible, and wrong.
-- H. L. Mencken
I said to my mother-in-law last year, "My house is your house." The next day, she sold it.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
-- Henny Youngman
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
-- Fred Allen
Men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums.
-- G. K. Chesterton
Every ten seconds there is a woman giving birth to a child on this planet. She must be found and stopped!
-- Sam Levenson
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
-- Mae West
When a young man marries, he divorces his mother.
-- Talmud
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-- Voltaire.
A happy marriage is a long conversation that seems all too short.
-- Andre Maurois
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
-- John F. Kennedy
If I were running the world, I would only have it rain between two and five A.M. Anyone who was out then deserves to get wet.
-- William Lyon Phelps
As a nation we are dedicated to keeping physically fit -- and parking as close to the stadium as possible.
-- Bill Vaughn
The one thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax.
-- Thomas Robert Dewar Men are moved by only two things: fear and self-interest. -- Napoleon Bonaparte It is better to be frightened now than killed hereafter. -- Winston Churchill Hope is ambiguous, but fear is precise. -- Leo Rosten Early and provident fear is the mother of safety. -- Edmund Burke I came to believe it not true that "the coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave man only one." I think it is the other way around: It is the brave who die a thousand deaths. For it is imagination, and not just conscience, which doth make cowards of us all. Those who do not know fear are not truly brave. -- Leo Rosten We're afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson


